Finding out your pregnant, even when you're expecting it to be positive, is one of the weirdest feelings you'll ever experience. For me it was a mixture of elation and sheer shock along with five minutes of questioning whether it's actually real or not followed by a bit of speechlessness. It's certainly overwhelming finding out you're going to be growing a tiny human for the next 8 months of your life. It's overwhelming throughout too.
I've never really been the anxious type however, brewing a baby in my belly had my levels through the roof. Every single day was worrisome that something was going to happen, that I was going to lose it and I was in nail-biting fear that I'd miscarry.
Most miscarriages occur at the start of a pregnancy - some people won't even realise as it's around 25% at four weeks so could be mistaken for your normal period but more than 80% happen within the first 12 weeks. The odds are stacked against you with 1 in 4 pregnancies ending with a loss during the first trimester, and there is unfortunately nothing you can do about it if your body feels that the time is just not right.
I've been a comforting shoulder for close friends and family who have gone through the traumatic experience of miscarriage and whilst it is a gruelling time, it is something that you can get through with plenty of help and emotional support from those around you - and most are now pregnant or mummies to beautiful, perfect 'rainbow' babies.
Whilst I knew I'd have plenty of support if the worst was to happen, the concern was still there as there isn't much else to reassure you until you reach that blessed 12 week scan.
I bought tests every week to check that I was still pregnant and analysed every symptom. If I was having a day where I just felt normal - I'd panic that was the end. Even though I hated the soreness I felt in my breasts, I longed for that ache as I stepped out of bed every morning. I wanted the waves of nausea to soothe me that I was still experiencing pregnancy symptoms.
It a horrible feeling because you're so excited and happy but your terrified that crazy things are going to happen. I became even more alert when driving so as DEFINITLEY not to have a collision, I walked as far over on the path away from the road as I could in case a car was to just veer off and hit me. I had lukewarm baths for fear I'd boil the tiny apple seed sized foetus growing within me. I ate more fruit and vegetables than is available on a market stall and started drinking (lactose-free) milk so that I could provide the baby with enough calcium to grow.
Thankfully, my friend Laura was 20 weeks pregnant at the time I found out and did nothing but console me and ease of some of my fear answering daily questions like 'did you ever have days where you just felt normal?'
No-one can prepare you for this and I'm not sure if everyone experiences this level of anxiousness in early pregnancy but for me, it was a huge part of my first trimester until my ultrasound confirmed everything was OK.
I'd booked myself in for an early reassurance scan with Hey Baby 4D in Derby after a recommendation from one of my friends. I didn't feel like I was safe until I saw it there, developing as it should, seeing its heart beating and finally knowing that I'd provided a good enough home for it to blossom in my belly. It certainly helped me get through the next 6 weeks before we'd meet again.
Trusting your body is hard to do when there's another one inside it that you now need to provide for too.
If you're newly pregnant and experiencing this, just know it's totally normal. It's a big change in your life and your hormone levels are higher than ever so you're bound to feel super emotional. Just know that your body will do all it can to keep your baby safe and give it what it needs to survive until the day it makes itself into your arms.